Leaning In

I am feeling the pull of ceremony.  The Dance.  Grandmother Turtle under a blue moon.  The hill – a vision quest.

As I enter into the month of June, which the Gregorian calendar marks as the middle of the year, I find myself reflecting on an entire year.  The Sundance ceremony, a ceremony of life and rebirth, ushers in the new year just after the summer solstice.   Since last year’s ceremony, I pause to consider, who was I at this time last year?  What have I learned about myself?  And where am I going now?

A few days after the dance last year, I dreamed of three red fox.  The medicine of fox teaches me to keep my head down, to find greater comfort in silence and become invisible.  In my lifetime, I have fought this, feared being invisible – if I am not seen then what is my purpose or value?  I recognize myself as both anonymous and known when I look into the mirror.  How am I the same?  How have I changed?  I recount the lessons of this past year when drawing on the medicine of fox served me well.  And the times when I would have been better served had I been more like fox and remained silent or hidden.

Some recent soul doctoring has led me towards unification of self.  Integration into a greater understanding of myself as a whole.  With this I am finding a new sense of peace of mind and heart.  I am watching for patterns – personal and ancestral – asking what else can I turn towards and heal?  I hold myself accountable for bad habits.

Recently I saw a photograph of an old lover that a mutual friend had posted on Facebook.  My first thought was how he looks just the same.  My next thought was how different I am.  In the years since that relationship the changes in me have been many and mighty.  I look back at the woman I was with tenderness and not judgment, with compassion and self-love rather than blame.  Surprisingly, I find myself grateful for who I was then, offering myself kindness.  Increasingly I am more and more satisfied with who I am now recognizing the miles I have come to get to this place of self-love, knowing there are miles to go to be the best version of myself possible.  Who I will become as I lean into the unknown mystery called the future?

What prayers will I take to the tree?  I have prayed for a long time for those who will dance their prayers, for those who will hold the container of ceremony, for those how will cry for a vision and be there to support.  I have prayed for the land, for the water, for the ancient ones who carried these ways forward.  Prayed as I served in preparation for these ceremonies.  I am asking myself now, what prayers will I say for me?  Who do I want to be next year?  What will I manifest with integrity and intention?  Perhaps I will stumble and fail, learn the hard way – this too a gift in the process of my life and constant rebirth.   I am grateful for it all.

Mitakuye Oyasin  ~  All My Relations



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