My dear friend Carol and I were talking once, about what I cannot remember, in her silky wisdom she said the words, “love it into something new”. These words have stuck with me. I often come back to them when I am in need of a different perspective on things.
Today I read a post on FB that struck me dumb for a few moments. The words and sentiment seemed so filled with hate. My response was to send love to him – see his handsome smiling face in my mind and love him. I had to ask myself though, was that love genuine? Did I truly love him in that moment? Was that earnest expression of love sincere when it was tainted by a sense of O!M!G! and incredulousness? Not quite. How do I defuse the sense of horror I feel so my love is indeed a salve?
I know he isn’t the hate. What sits at the bottom of it? What lays beneath it all? That’s where the love needs to go. It must.
What do I know of this darkness? Yes, it is all those events – but it is also fear and I don’t feel like I “know” that. So interesting how I can intellectualize it yet I do not feel it in my body or heart. For this I am deeply grateful. How am I in relation to this then?
I have certainly been is despair, in very dark fearful places but they have been out self-loathing, not the hate of another. One in the same. Odd as it may sound, I learned the true depth of self-love from my Mother after her death. Self-love is a practice. A learned skill. So this is how I love it into something new -love myself more. More deeply with forgiveness for the times of self-loathing. More sincerely. More assuredly. More fiercely. For it is only self-love that fills the space once occupied by hate.
Pilamaya U.A. – I can truly send love to you now that I can understand and relate. I see your handsome and smiling face and I love you, it heals me to do so. Thank you. Thank you.
Sincere true love. Aho!